CARNAL CURIOSITY

By William Urban

Carnal Curiosity is the 29th Stone Barrington novel by Stuart Woods. Published only a few months ago, it is right up to date with politics. Kate Lee, the wife of the second-term president, has decided to run for the Democratic Party nomination. Stone Barrington is all in favor. Stone only watches MSNBC but somehow knows that Fox News is evil incarnate, and it would be a disaster if some low-down, hypocritical, super-rich Republican got into office. He is certain that Fox News will be looking for some way to implicate Kate Lee in some CIA scandal, though while she was director there nothing of that nature ever happened — Stone Barrington had been there to help resolve crises that the government couldn’t. Being a private individual, he was not limited by pesky laws such as keeping track of his emails and expenses and the stray bodies lying about. Of course, he always stays within the law, but anyone with good friends can make that a flexible restriction.

Stone Barrington can afford this sort of thing because he and his friends are rich in a modest sort of way — ritzy apartments, elegant country homes, private jets, and meals at the best restaurants — and they earn their money in ways that Democrats approve, by inheritance and by working for big law firms. Besides, we know that he is good at heart and that is what counts in modern America, as well as being a crack shot, excellent at personal combat and never being at a loss in an emergency. Readers of these novels will understand that this is a fantasy existence, much like James Bond, but with more class, and since Stone knows that Fox News will treat Kate Lee roughly if he isn’t there to protect her, he can’t ignore politics. Actually, she can take care of herself, but Stone brings out something in women….
In short, Stone is a very interesting character, one that many readers would like to be if they could afford the Viagra.

Stone is a typical upper-class liberal in so many ways. That is, while in art “less is more” (another of his hobbies), in his version of sex “more is better”— a lot more, a lot better. We are used to the Elliot Spitzers, the Al Gores, the John Edwards, the Lyndon Johnsons and F. Lee Baileys, but Stone is in the JFK class. He might not quite come up to Wilt Chamberlin’s clamed 20,000 women (2.3 each day since puberty), but Wilt had a fur-covered water bed and was a Republican. You’d never know there is an Anthony Weiner loose in New York City from reading the Stone Barrington novels, but if the husband of Hillary’s closest friend had been an unmarried Republican, you’d have known it. Wilt isn’t mentioned either, but that might reflect the general shortage of Blacks in Stone’s social circles.

There is usually a murder in these novels, but it has to fight its way up through the sheets to get into the narrative. The victim is usually one of Stone’s latest flames. Like a moth to the fire, they flutter up and are burned to death. Otherwise, Stone’s sex life would be less spontaneous and varied.

When the gossip columns suggest that he is having affair with the First Lady (and presidential candidate) Kate Lee, Stone is incredulous. Did they think that he seduced every woman he met?

One has to ask what Stone has to be curious about in the area of carnality. Maybe he wonders if there isn’t a woman somewhere who isn’t eager to jump into bed with a man she just met. Say, him. Perhaps he’d heard of this preposterous attitude on MSNBC, but one guesses that he picked it up in some witty conversation at an exclusive restaurant such women couldn’t afford. It doesn’t matter. Such creatures don’t appear in this novel.

I do remember a college dinner twenty years ago with F. Lee Bailey, where he told us how being a Defense :Lawyer is much like being a fighter pilot, and how he was so irresistible to women that he could sleep with any one he wanted. He cast, as I remember, a meaningful glance around the table. I guess he didn’t particularly want any of those present, but nobody spoke up to say, “Not with me!” He flew his own helicopter to the football field and spoke to an audience that overfilled the auditorium. In short, he was a lot like Stone Barrington, but without the class.

There is one hint of morality in this novel. There is a strong Democratic candidate in the field, but while he would make a far better president than either of the Republicans seeking the nomination, he can’t be trusted not to embarrass the party. And there is the moral: it’s not whether anything a politician does is right or wrong, but whether it helps or harms the Democratic Party.

At about this point in the novel a real crime story emerges. I won’t give the details away, but it allows Stone to use his contacts with legal firms, the police and the federal government to help resolve the situation. It becomes a pretty good story, with strong over-the-top criminal characters who want to make a fortune robbing rich Democrats at society events.

In short, most readers will enjoy the tale — I listened on audio book from the Warren County Library. The soft porn shows up a bit too often, but that seems to be part of the Stone Barrington charm. This also shows that the proverb that the rich are different is true. That is why stories about the rich and famous make better reading than tales about middle-class men and women trying to make an honest living and without any energy left for a Stone Barrington adventure.

It might have been a better story without the political propaganda, but Stuart Woods is rich enough to indulge himself. Who cares if the country is being ever more divided? This isn’t talk radio.

And what happened to Kate Lee? Even Stuart Woods almost forgot her. However, I am sure that another novel will appear in the fall, just in time to remind voters that Kate Lee is in a presidential race. 2014, 2016 — the difference is poetic license

Review Atlas (June 26, 2014), 4.